Divorce Recovery Tools
So you’ve had a divorce…
In your community, do you feel like the odd person out; do you feel like you’re the only divorced person with a failed marriage under your belt? You’re not.
Getting divorced isn’t easy, especially when you feel completely isolated from married friends who don’t understand, your children who are acting out, and your parents who you feel think that you’ve failed.
Whether you’ve been married to a person for 20 years or 2 years, divorce can have the same detrimental effect on your ego, happiness, body, spirit, work, and relationships. Once we accept how hurtful divorce can be on nearly every aspect of our lives, then we can move forward and learn to how to rebuild, starting at the foundation.
The emotional levels one needs to work through during and following divorce are very much parallel to the stages one goes through at the time of death. At first, there is a denial of the events that have taken place and a consequent feeling of wanting to isolate oneself from the whole situation. Then anger, wherein one blames someone else for one’s predicament.
The third level is bargaining; a kind of situation in which one wants to look at the ledger to see that things are equal. This is often manifested over the custody of children and property settlements at the time of divorce. Then comes a period of depression, which is where much self-hatred, self-blame and feelings of failure are present.
Finally, after all of this, one comes to the acceptance of the situation and an acceptance of the self. Out of this comes hope for what can happen. With the right support, it possible for people to work through these various levels, stage-by-stage. It is important to give this rebuilding period the time it needs, to awaken parts of the self that have been paralyzed, repressed, or unknown. Let each self-in this case the divorced person-come into the next part of life with hope rather than failure!
The Divorce Wheel of Life
Click here to download PDF.
The Wheel of Life is a tool that is used during coaching to clarify any areas that you want to work on and where you may need extra support. This version focuses on how you are doing in the divorce process.
To use The Wheel of Life, fill in the areas according to your satisfaction level in each one. Notice that one area is blank. Please feel free to name it as you see fit.
After you have filled in the areas, you can identify the areas that you would like to work on below, and further define them. Example: Children (school, relationship with them, their mental health, their emotional health.)
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Relationship Readiness Assessment for Singles
I know what I want.
I have a clear vision for my life and relationship. I can envision my perfect life in rich detail that feels strong, very real, and keeps me motivated.
I know who I am but I’m not sure what I want in a relationship. I don’t know my relational needs, wants and requirements.
I don’t know who I am or what I want in a relationship.
I know my requirements.
I have a written list of at least ten non-negotiable requirements that I use for screening potential partners. I am clear that if any are missing, a relationship will not work for me.
I have an idea of what I want in a partner but writing down and sticking to my requirements feels too picky and limiting.
What requirements? I have no idea what I want in a relationship.
I am happy and successful being single.
I enjoy my life, my work, my family, my friends and my own company. I am living the life that I want and am not seeking a relationship out of desperation or need.
I still have occasional bouts with loneliness but mostly I am ok being alone. I sure would like to have a special someone in my life to make it more complete.
I hate being single. I feel like a nobody without a partner. I want to get into a relationship as soon as I can.
I am ready and available for commitment.
I have no emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship. My schedule, commitments, and lifestyle are such that I am free to build a new relationship.
I’m married but we’ve been emotionally divorced for a while so it’s really not any different than really being divorced.
I’m still legally, emotionally, or financially bound to another person and cannot commit to a relationship right now. I am in a state of transition in one or more of those areas.
I am satisfied with my work/career.
My work is fulfilling, supports my lifestyle, and does not interfere with my availability for a new relationship.
I am in transition with my work/career. I know what I want to do, and know it’s going to take a lot of my energy to do it.
Many things about my work and career are up in the air right now. I am totally consumed with getting my work life in order.
I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
My physical, mental or emotional health does not interfere with having the life and relationship I want. I am reasonably happy and feel good.
I am physically and/or mentally tired a lot. I need to put some effort into improving my health.
I am physically and/or emotionally drained and depressed. I believe this depression would go away if I just had somebody to love me.
My financial and legal business is handled.
I have no financial or legal issues that would interfere with having the life and relationship that I want.
I have some legal and/or financial problems, but I don’t think they will interfere with me being in a relationship.
My finances aren’t really my own. I have considerable debt and/or I am financially obligated to another person.
My family relationships are functional.
My relationships with my children, ex, siblings, parents and extended family do not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want.
My family relationships are ok but could be better. I should be putting some energy into those before I pursue a relationship.
My family relationships are broken and hurting and/or disconnected. They could really get in the way of me having a good romantic relationship right now.
I have effective dating skills.
I initiate contact with people I want to meet and disengage from people who are not a match for me. I keep my physical and emotional boundaries, and balance my heart and my head with potential partners.
I’m a good catch. If I just trust, Mr. or Ms Right will come along. My soul mate is out there somewhere. Hope I find them some day.
I don’t understand dating at all. It seems pretty scary.
I have effective relationship skills.
I understand relationships, can maintain closeness and intimacy, communicate authentically and assertively, negotiate differences positively, allow myself to trust and be vulnerable, and can give and receive love without emotional barriers.
I know more about relationships than I used to but they are still mostly a mystery to me. I would like to know a lot more about creating good relationships than I do now.
I feel like a relational failure. I’m starting from ground zero in my learning curve.
Who Are You? 100 Elements of a Person
Who are we? What are we made of? What makes us tick? What makes us unique? What makes a human—human?
In the list that follows, you will find at least 100 answers to these questions. This list is helpful to both coach and client because it provides 100 focus areas for coaching, as well as acting as an interesting emotional and lifestyle blueprint of a human being. Clients often use this list as a way to select and prioritize what they want to work on with a coach.
Possessions: tangible and intangible
1. Home/property
2. Car/vehicles
3. Computer/tools
4. Clothing
5. Accessories/jewelry
6. Money/investments
7. Knowledge/wisdom
8. Books/music/art
9. Memories
10. Reputation
Relationships: who you know, who knows you, who you spend time with
21. Children
22. Spouse
23. Parents/family
24. Friends
25. Acquaintances/neighbors
26. Co-workers/colleagues
27. Vendors/service
28. Mentors/teachers
29. Clients/customers
30. Yourself
Character: what you’re made of
31. Honesty
32. Honor
33. Responsibility
34. Respectfulness
35. Accountability
36. Generosity
37. Maturity
38. Initiative
39. Caring
40. Strength
Experiences: how you have been affected
41. Childhood experiences
42. Love experiences
43. Romance experiences
44. Work experiences
45. Vacation experiences
46. Cultural experiences
47. Success/failure experiences
48. Images (TV/movies)
49. Schooling experiences
50. Threatening experiences
Life: what’s going on around you?
51. Tolerations/requirements
52. Commitments
53. Goals
54. Problems/struggles
55. Work environment
56. Home environment
57. Stress
58. Desires/needs
59. Pace
60. Stimulation
Personal Foundation: what you have developed to support you in life
61. Values
62. Assumptions
63. Boundaries
64. Wants
65. Self-esteem
66. Spirit
67. Safety
68. Roles
69. Balance
70. Self-care
Life Skills: what you are good at
71. Creativity
72. Communication
73. Thinking/analysis
74. Multitasking
75. Understanding
76. Prioritizing
77. Self-management
78. Evolving
79. Relating
80. Loving
Thoughts: what’s upstairs
81. Inklings
82. Intuition
83. Facts
84. Opinions
85. Knowledge
86. Evidence
87. Beliefs
88. Expectations
89. Reactions
90. Ideas
Feelings: what you are feeling
91. Fear/dread
92. Acceptance/understanding
93. Expectation/obligation
94. Excitement/thrill
95. Happiness/contentment
96. Sadness/depression
97. Anger/rage
98. Freedom/relief
99. Joy/bliss
100. Powerful/able